I Signed Up for a Half Marathon
A couple weeks ago, I signed up for a half marathon. I know, I know. Running for 2+ hours just really spoke to me, OK? I had never really thought of myself as a runner. I grew up around people that could run a six-minute mile on a recovery day, could run eight miles without even stopping once. I dreaded gym class days where we had to take the mile run test. At my black belt test, I threw up after finishing the two mile portion of the test in front of all the parents and my instructors. Again, running was not my strong suit. It was a struggle and a source of shame, and it never felt like I could get better at it. I liked weightlifting and HIIT workouts - they were comfortable, and I rejected running as part of my physical health because, quite frankly, I hated how “lesser-than” it made me feel even if there was nothing objectively bad about the run.
Fast forward to college, I was stressed and burnt out from studying and growing up. I went to the gym here and there, and I found some relief in those moments. I started running on the treadmill just to blow off some steam. One day I would run a mile, the other I would do some weights. But the days that I found the most peace and zen throughout my day was when I would do a run outside. Running through my town’s streets, looking at the buildings, taking in the fresh air. It made me feel free. I didn’t feel the pressure to “be good” while running - there was no one there to time me, to compare me to someone else, to yell at me if I was being too slow. It felt nice to also get out of my own head while I ran, to just focus on putting one foot in front of the other. I still criticized myself, don’t get me wrong. Some days when I was slower than I was usually, I would use it as confirmation that I was not a “runner.” When I got more tired than usual, I reprimanded myself for not being better. The moments of relief were mixed with moments of doubt.
Despite this, I kept running. I think deep down, I knew I could be good at this. Something had switched inside me. Relearning running as something that I could feel good in, as something that wasn’t just a mechanism to put me down - this was a superpower. And when I moved to a new city, I felt as though I could take on newer things. So one day, I just decided to sign up for a half marathon.
I know - how did I go from just running a few times a month to deciding to run a half marathon? It’s not like something that people just decide to do. But people do. I wanted to continue relearning my relationship with running, to change the shame and incapable feelings I felt to a feeling of strength and courage. And, quite simply, you just have to take the steps. It was interesting - before signing up for the race, I doubted whether I could even finish, could train three to four times a week. But after I signed up, knowing that I will have to run this race in the end, my mind convinced itself that this was something achievable for me. Sometimes it just takes that one step forward, even after years of feeling like you’ve taken steps backwards or stayed in the same place. Signing up was my first success - to know that it was in my horizon.
Maybe there was always something that you deemed that you were never good at. Anytime you had to do it in front of others, you always prefaced it by saying “Oh I’m so bad at this.” But maybe there is an inkling in you that wishes that you were better. When you do relearn, you realize how much power you have inside of you. That even the things that plagued your whole life don’t dictate your life now. Changing that mindset can be the one thing. It’s so worth it.
