Getting Out of Your Own Way
There were many things in my life that I wanted to do but talked myself out of doing. Winning a national taekwondo championship title as a black belt, learning how to sew clothes, writing my own book, doing this, doing that. It wasn’t because I was “lazy” per say, but I talked myself out of it because I convinced myself that I
a) wasn’t going to be good at it so why try,
b) didn’t compare to those already excelling at it, or
c) was scared that if I did try and fail, I was going to be so disappointed in myself.
As you can see, these reasonings seem trivial. Who cares if I’m not going to be good? Where would I be now if I hadn’t told myself those things 2, 5, 10 years ago? In high school, I wanted to go to taekwondo world championships. I wanted to compete against people from all over the world. I got pretty far in my training, even making it to the final round at the U.S. national championships as a black belt. But I remember my exact thoughts when I went up to perform my last form: “Whatever. I don’t really care if I don’t win because I knew I wasn’t that good anyway.” But I did care. And I was good. I would’ve been even better if I had just gotten out of my own way. I think about where I would be now, if I had been confident enough to say I really wanted it. I was too scared to show I really wanted something because I thought that if I didn’t get it, the feeling would be much worse than not trying at all.
But that kind of thinking not only leads to regret but also a lack of self confidence. You don’t know your own limits (and let me tell you, you have very little), and you convince yourself to opt out. For me, this fueled my imposter syndrome. Every time I did achieve something or someone complimented me on my work, I never felt like I deserved it. Because yes, I pushed myself in some ways. Like getting good grades or working hard to get into medical school - these are all things that for me, I know I can be good at. So whenever I was praised for getting all As one semester, I could share their joy because I knew I had tried my best and worked for it. But in art, for example, I wanted to be really good at drawing portraits. Somewhere along the line, I convinced myself I wasn’t going to even try. So when people do compliment my artwork that I make here and there, I don’t share their same appreciation and instead tell them all the mistakes I had made. This tiresome cycle made me less confident, less unsure of who I was because I hadn’t tried to find out. Because of that, I constantly compared myself to others that were doing what they wanted to do while I was sitting jealous at home.
When my time to graduate from UVA was coming up, I had a sort of epiphany. I can do everything I want to do. I’m not sure the exact reason my mindset changed, maybe due to a big life transition, but it was exactly what I needed. I told myself that I want to go to New York City after I graduated. I told myself that I want to start my own blog. I gave myself the time and space to think and speak out loud what I really wanted. I forgave myself for being so harsh yet timid at the same time. In the end, the wishes I made came true. Currently, I have never been more self confident. Sitting in my New York apartment writing this blog, I am happy. I just had to get out of my own way.
