Do I really want kids?

Written By Jieon Jenny Kim
“Heteronormative aspect aside, I had always thought of my life in terms of my ability to raise kids, consciously or subconsciously.”
— Jieon Jenny Kim

tl;dr: motherhood is scary and daunting but also beautiful and amazing.

Growing up I was fed the narrative that my life would culminate to motherhood. All the movies, all the single family homes, all the “when you have kids!” conversation points - I felt as though having kids was just what women DID. Women would eventually shift their lives to focus on raising a family (heteronormativity and patriarchy at its finest!). I had always thought of my life in terms of my ability to raise kids, consciously or subconsciously. But the climate has shifted. This new wave of feminism has brought upon new critiques and reflections on our current patriarchal society, and women have begun to talk more about their options. Because of this I have had to look introspectively and reevaluate my role in potential motherhood.

To be frank, I have no idea if I want kids and I have no idea how I should even plan for a potential future where kids would be part of my daily life. Of course, parenthood is one of those things that no one can really prepare for. But to be honest, I’m scared. This society has shown through too many stories and research studies that this system is not built to support and nurture mothers, and in turn harming the happiness and health of their children. Little maternity (and basically no paternity) leave, lack of breastfeeding stations, lack of appreciation for the everyday labor that mothers do not just for their kids but for their husbands as well - this turns me away.

And with the rising awareness surrounding the impact of mental health, stress, and work-life balance on raising kids, I have become fearful that I won’t be “healed” enough, stress-free enough, or have the perfect work-life balance to raise kids. Did I work through my childhood traumas enough so that I don’t project it onto my kids? Did I work on how to deal with stress enough so I don’t put that on my kids as well? Am I working towards a career where I would have enough time for kids (short answer: probably not)? If I did become a mother, I would want to be the best one I could be. I know that being a parent inherently involves making mistakes, but knowing I couldn’t prevent that also scares me.

But on the other hand, I feel like I would adore motherhood. As a first generation immigrant oldest daughter, I have had to take care of and guide my siblings all my life. Of course, there are times where my role as a sibling versus a parent has been blurred to my detriment. But I have loved supporting them, seeing them grow. I look into the eyes of my little brother (who is currently 8 years old) and I think “so this is the love that parents feel for their kids.” I can sort of understand the notion of how having kids can heal you. I also too often catch myself subconsciously thinking about how I would want to raise my kids in the future. I see a new stroller model and I’m like “that’s what I should get when I have kids.” Or I’m reading a psychology book and a part about parenting comes up and I’m like “I should remember this when I have kids.” Maybe it’s just the internalized motherhood narrative that I’m thinking, or maybe I genuinely want kids in the future.

Saying all of this while I’m only 23 can be trivial (although back then women were getting married at like 16 so maybe not that trivial). But the increasing conversation surrounding motherhood, fertility, and women’s body choices has granted me an opportunity for reflection. And I want more women to talk about this internal struggle of wanting or not wanting motherhood. It’s important when our future generations are on the line.

Jieon Jenny Kim
Next

I Had My First Therapy Appointment