3 Lessons I’ve Learned at College
Photo by Annie Piland @anniepilandphoto
I officially graduated from the University of Virginia yesterday. It was an unbearably hot, sunny, sweaty day, but I couldn’t have been happier. People do not lie when they say that time flies by. It feels like just yesterday I was moving into my shitty dorm, living with and meeting complete strangers who would eventually impact my life far more than I had ever expected. I got to see my family after months of not seeing them, and I got to spend the last few moments on grounds as a student with my closest people (minus a couple due to COVID reasons). I remember second or third year I was so ready to leave and move on, burned out from finals seasons and late night hours. But the past few months, I dedicated time to really appreciating how much this place has given me, whether it was the running trail I would always take through grounds, my go-to restaurants (shout out to Roots and Silk Thai), or the confidence to actually go for what I want instead of just sitting around and complaining. To celebrate a big milestone for me, I wanted to share three lessons (more just pieces of advice) I’ve learned throughout my four years here. These lessons have kept me sane, motivated, and happy, feelings that I didn’t think I would feel when I first arrived at UVA. I felt lost, insecure, and lonely, but through many years of struggling I can look back at those times as a period of massive growth.
1: Spend time alone - and then with people that truly make you happy.
Make friends. That was the first mission I had given myself when I arrived at UVA. I was super scared of becoming lonely, not having people to go out on the weekends with, and not having a study buddy to push through exams with. But trying to make friends with everyone you know at college is pretty exhausting (at least for me, some people can do it in their sleep). Eventually I would tire myself out trying to impress everyone because I just kept disappointing myself whenever they didn’t meet my standards. There was nothing inherently wrong with the people I met, but I was an unconfident, sometimes ignorant, and wildly terrible communicator. I found myself in friendships where I would excuse the way they behaved towards me because I wasn’t confident that I could find better friends. I found myself in friendships that didn’t allow me to grow nor become a better version of myself; instead, I just swam in the same spot for years. I grew so tired of the cycle of disappointment that at one point I started to just spend time alone. It was hard at first, but my alone time allowed introspection and reevaluation of my needs and goals. Forcing myself to be alone allowed me to learn to love myself beyond my attachments with other people. I learned how I responded to situations that upset me, how my thoughts ran when I became anxious, how I closed myself off when people tried to help. Whenever I do spend time with people now, I know it’s with people that I genuinely care about and they genuinely care about me because I purely don’t have the patience for those that do not. I know that at the end of the day, when I go to bed, I am happy with who I am apart from the relationships that I have, and the relationships that I do have only make me stronger. So whenever you get FOMO or feel lonely, reflect on why you feel these feelings. Is it because you just don’t want to be by yourself? Do you genuinely WANT to be around these people? Or are you just making an excuse so that your ego won’t be hurt? It’s OK to admit your vulnerabilities - it’s what makes you stronger.
2: Comparing yourself to others only makes your goals even more unattainable.
Ever seen someone in class, at work, or on social media where they lead somewhat similar lives to you, yet they seem to have it all figured out? Better GPA, better internships, better life trajectories - it all hits those insecurities that you didn’t even know you had. For me, coming from a small town to a big college town, where tons of other kids had the skills I had but seemingly better experiences and achievements, made me feel like I wasn’t enough. I would feel miserable whenever I didn’t meet one of my goals or I didn’t compare to someone I saw on social media. At one point, I had been comparing and feeling inadequate for so long that I would find myself not even trying. Why would I even bother if it wouldn’t be enough anyways? Why would I even try when I knew I would still feel shitty in the end? Nothing could satisfy me even when I was at the top of my game. That perfectionist mindset started to eat away at me, my goals and aspirations moving farther into the distance. During the pandemic I was at my lowest. I couldn’t find the motivation to keep pushing myself, and at the same time I would consistently compare myself to people on social media. The consistent cycle became too much for me. So one day, I deleted social media (TikTok, Instagram, Snapchat, etc.). Going hand in hand with spending time alone, I started to really think about why I was constantly comparing myself to others when I have already accomplished so much. I took the time to distance myself from the problem and really figure out why I was so unhappy. I realized it’s all a relative game. Everyone wishes they could have someone else’s qualities or lifestyles - I felt the same whenever I saw another Asian girl with eurocentric features or went to an Ivy league school. But by boxing yourself in these insecurities, you have removed yourself even farther from the goals or achievements that you so desperately want. Use these comparisons as inspirations rather than a way to put you down. Whatever accomplishments you do or don’t have, what you do or don’t look like - no one else is going to be proud of them if you are not.
3: Dedicate time to take care of you.
Probably one of the hardest things to do in college or whatever life era you are at is dedicating time for yourself. This can mean a myriad of things, such as doing some self-care or going on a walk or reading a book you enjoy. Your assignments, exams, projects, extracurriculars, and all other things that must fit into your schedule eat away at time. For years I prided myself in this grind mentality. Who needs sleep? Who needs to go on walks? That time could be spent studying, working, or doing something other than taking time for myself. As you can expect, this mentality ran me to the ground. I started and ended my days feeling like a zombie - I went through each day like a robot, not enjoying my time but rather just anxiously waiting for the day to end so I can just get on with the next morning. I didn’t know what my hobbies were, what my passions in life were, what makes me happy or motivated to keep going - I was just doing. I couldn’t tell anyone a book that I had read for fun recently even though I had always told people I was an avid reader. So one day, I just added that I would read 10 pages of a book of my choosing to my to-do list everyday. I put it alongside all of my other assignments or chores I had to do so that it would seem just as important. To fit it in, I started waking up just ten minutes earlier or moving other appointments around to make sure I had scheduled dedicated reading time throughout my day. Safe to say, it was life changing. Those few minutes I had set aside to just read 10 pages of a book that I genuinely enjoyed allowed me to 1) distract myself from all the other commitments I had, 2) develop a knowledge from books other than school readings, and 3) remove the zombie-like feeling that clouded over me. The dedicated time forced me to be present, be with myself, and remove the anxiety of commitments that I had lined up. This bled into other areas of my life as well, whether it’s yoga/exercise, doing this blog, or learning new recipes. Self care can mean a variety of things, but whatever makes you feel like you are dedicating time to yourself ONLY (not your boss, not your significant other, etc.) empowers you to keep going is what needs to be cultivated. I promise you, it will bring fulfillment.
These are only a few of the many lessons I’ve learned here at UVA. I wanted to share them with you without sounding all preachy, so hopefully that message carried. I truly believe that these lessons are something you learn just growing up, but it is a good reminder for those who are feeling a bit lost. Trust me, I’ve been there, and I still struggle. But these past four years at UVA have taught me how to be confident with my own voice, my own skin, my own experiences. We are all resilient and powerful in so many ways - it’s more just getting of our own way for us to shine through.
